It’s taken me a dose of anti-anxiety medication and some deep-breathing to write this. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. My poor mental health is related to my deep debt to private and public student loans. I have finally gotten a PTSD diagnosis and some of my triggers are debt-related, such as using the phone or writing posts like this, and my primal terror of speaking with my debt holders.
I do not trust the current administration to help me, seeing that DeVos is a former collections and AmWay czar and Trump has his own private university. I want to apply for discharge via my mental health, but I’m afraid I might need to be institutionalized if they turn me down. I survived a suicide attempt in 2016 because of these loans. I, now, have a 2 year-old that I live for, but I have lost all hope.
I’m afraid that if I write a letter in my defense, they will say that if it’s comprehensible, then I’m not mentally ill. I’m afraid they will take my information and use it against someone else, like just put it on the list of “no”s. I’m fearful for my life because of the magnitude of my debts, always paranoid that someone will take it upon themselves to collect on me. They were calling me at all hours. They know where my parents’ live. They know where I live.
I graduated 10 years ago and haven’t had a steady job. I’m currently receiving assistance with my rental unit from the city because of when I tried to kill myself. It’s a mental health program. I’m not able to work because I keep crying hysterically and having uncontrollable anxiety attacks. I have a history of abuse in my background, so the institutional abuse at the hands of student loan honchos is something I don’t appreciate. When employers can fire me “at-will,” and temp agencies toss me crumbs of work, I haven’t had a real job in a long time and keep getting fired for my crying.
What should I do?
Edit: I am an idiot, btw. I got a degree in English and Teach for America wouldn’t even hire me. I wrote a book, but no one wanted to publish me. My plan was a dream, which I believed in when I was 18. It became a delusion. Even if I want to, I can’t pay back my loans or even figure out who is holding them.